life really is a book.

i just finished one of the most difficult conversations i have ever had to have. the kind that you have to prepare for even though there is no preparing yourself for it, you practice it in your head for weeks and weeks. the kind that when you finally have to do it, you hesitate and decide to change the subject at the last minute. like when you tell your spouse you want a divorce or telling your kid that they are adopted. you know these words will change lives. you know they willl come as an unfortunate surprise. this is the conversation that there is never a right time to have. and i had it. its been only a few hours and i am already having trouble remembering what i said. how i brought it up, what was said in return..... i do remember crying. fuck, right now, just bringing it up makes my eyelids burn and my lips tremble. i remember hugs. huge hugs that just didnt last long enough. i remember compassion and understanding but only after initial shock. i remember wishing that i had kept my mouth shut and left life how it was.... but i didn't. so im just going to keep my fingers crossed and concentrate on what happens now that this conversation did, in fact, take place.

what was this discussion all about? lets see if you can guess..... if only to give this blog a little twist.

Tool. favorite band ever. there are others that i can easily call my favorite at the right times. but its tool. it doesnt matter how they are delivered to me, it is always perfect. despite the perfection i dont think i have it in me to watch them night after night after night. at some point, i would have to stop. walk away, and watch something else. mix things up. add some variety to my life. taking into consideration that they are my favorite band ever i hope you can easily apply that statement to any other band. i just cant watch the same band over and over for the rest of my life. at some point, i would just have to stop. figured this post out yet?

i have been touring pretty steadily for 10 years as of this may. as i look back on it i can say this much. for every great moment i have lived out on the road, there is a great moment i have missed at home. my sisters wedding. my mothers 60th birthday party. my nephews birth. this list goes on and on. i have lost friends due to constantly walking in and out of their lives. i feel like i am always missing important events in the lives of the people i love most, why? so i can run around the world in search of the all mighty dollar? so i can live my life to the fullest without sharing the experience with the people i care about? not anymore. im going to be there for birthdays and weddings. im not going to miss thanksgiving ever again. im going to be there for my friends when they need me. im going to be the person that all of them have always been for me.

in that same ten year period i have stopped playing drums. i have played almost no golf. i have written almost nothing (aside from this blog). i have abandoned the gym. any hobby that couldnt fit in a suitcase, any hobby that needed constant attention... left behind so that i could go plug in guitars and speakers in places i had never seen. so that i could stand back and watch the people i worked for go after their dreams. it is time to refocus myself on those hobbies. this year is the year for me to start playing drums again. i have already purchased new golf clubs and been out to the course a few times. i have slowly started writing again. im gonna learn portuguese. im gonna learn how to play piano. i am going to spend my life watching my own goals become reality.... instead of sitting on the side of the stage watching somone elses.

for the same reason that i came running back to richmond after a year of living elsewhere, i am putting the suitcase in storage and taking a full time job at home. to be closest to the ones that matter most.  i am not totally done with the road. i have committed to quite a few dates throughout the year. as those dates finish, there will be no more marked on my calendar. life will become stationary.

it has been an amazing decade. i hope to never forget one minute of it. i will never be able to match it in terms of pure adventure and experience.  im ok with that. now its time to focus on the next one.... and making sure i wont ever be able to match it in terms of happiness and love.

fingers crossed.

p.s. let the mass unfollowing begin,